Showing posts from 2010

2010 BYE - PART 1

Another year comes to an end. We all will celebrate Time's birthday tomorrow(it will already be today by the time most of you read it).

Every year of my life has been better than the last and it was no different this year too. The Roller-Mester post captured all that transpired during this semester, and the posts during the first half too spilled the way I used to feel that time.

I am running short of time so there wouldn't be much of me in this post.
This post is about my friends and my love. They are my life. I asked some of my friends to describe their best moments this year. Later I told them they could write anything about this year, what it meant to them, or what it brought for them.

Since I got longer replies than I expected(but that has only made me happier), this post is going to be in 2 parts. They are in the order in which I received them.

Anonymous 1

Best moments of the year 2010.. umm .. When..???. On.???.. Well I have never categorised any moment of my life as best or …

2010 BYE - PART 2

Anonymous 4

Its been a really long time since I have been thinking if 2010 was any better than the previous years of my life & the answer was that every year has just been the same (and equally disastrous) since I first stepped in my engineering college!!

There is a long list why 2010 was BAD but rather than concentrating on the bad memories, I thought good memories should be highlighted for some positivity around year end..

So, to begin with the best thing that happened in 2010 was the entry of a lil' angel in my life. She is my pet Coco. Being with her really helped me get out of some bad phases that i was absorbed into..

Broadly this year was about academic realizations & knowing what I really want in life. It was about getting to know some amazing people & admiring their perception of life. This year taught me to be independent & also to take one step at a time. Its like traffic signs. Stop, Get Ready & then Go.

My life was extremely goofed up but now I am slowl…


Everyday is not the same
How can it be?
Everyday is not the same
For you and for me

Who said we would always be happy
Who said we would always be laughing
But we believe we can always keep smiling
Even through the low tides of time.

Angry we ought to be with each other
Indifferent we ought to feel for each other
But such things are meant to stay only for a while
Because we are meant to love each other at all the other times.

In time, it's not about you winning or me losing
In time, it's not about you right or me wrong
In time, the only thing to win and be just right for us
Should be our incessant love for each other.

We still have a long way to go
We still have so many things to show(and see)
All we need is each others support
and love for each other to grow more and more.

PS She wrote this, her second post/poem on this blog. She is an Angel, I still wouldn't tell you her name.


So, another semester goes by.
I don't know how to start. So much has happened all through these 4 months. I will start from the beginning of this semester and hope the story just flows then.

(God, how messed up everything is, deleting more than I am writing)

Bittersweet Symphony. Crash Into Me.
These were the two songs that I kept listening to for the first 2-3 weeks this semester. I don't remember being happier anytime in the past two years. Being high on happiness, a feeling I never fathomed could exist.

Finding Tool and getting to know their music.
That coming together of drums towards the end in Vicarious.
That repetition of Between Supposed Lovers in Schism.
The crescendoing lyrics in Stinkfist.

November Rain.
My favourite, and The perfect song on love.

My Hero.

Nothing Else Matters.
Listening to it hours on end and still finding a new meaning everytime I heard it.

That night. When you said it made you want to fall in love with me everytime I told you I loved you. The clouds that made …


An emotional boy
Looking for stories and a bigger love
Had an ambition
of taking people down the only road he had ever been down.

He fell in love with a gal
Simple and hard to notice
Entangled within complicacies of her own world.

He first guided her as a good friend
Then supported her at every heartbreaking juncture
And now is ready to spend every moment of his life with her.

She, first hesitant, shy and speculative
Followed each of his words of guidance
Started herself to be growing to a new life
Finally accepted and vowed to reciprocate to his true love in the best way she can.

And now it seems to her as if she is yet to be
Woken up from a wonderful dream shes living
Where every day is full of excitement to do something new
and something better which encompasses the whole world's love within it.

PS: She knows she is not dreaming!!!


PS 1: My girlfriend wrote this on both of us. She is an Angel, I wouldn't tell you her name.

PS 2: I have so much to write but being i…




I have been in love for as long I can remember, starting when I was in 5th class. I was new to the school, and we had this fancy dress competition. I was dressed as David Copperfield and she as a fairy. Who could know then what love is, but I could not help thinking the whole day that I wanted to sit next to her. And would you believe it, the next day, our class teacher rejigged the seating plan, and she was sitting right beside me. That was my first tryst with love.

That day and today, I haven't been out of love any single time in these many years. This doesn't mean it has been for the same person all these years, or even been for a person for that matter.

I feel fearless these days, since I have it in mind to love everything that comes my way. If I am to be left broken again in the future, I will love the Sadness and Darkness as well. They anyway have been my greatest friends for a long time in the past, and I was really addicted. Then what is there for me to fear, when I a…


I sleep very late these nights. After I do lay down in bed, I reminisce not too distant old times especially how I spent the first half of this year and I feel scared. So scared I feel like crying although I don't and niether do I need anyone to hold on to. It's just looking back and seeing what I was in. It is easier to retrospect now that I am almost done with that phase.

It wasn't Sadness. I was done with that last year already. It was a high no one who has not experienced it can know. Something higher than Sadness.

You don't even know something is happening to you.
Nothing makes any sense.
Whatever is going around you. Whatever anyone has to say. Whatever anyone does.
You don't want anything but the wind. And music.
Just think and think and think. Just go on and on and you don't even know you are going on.

It was logical in a way. The things that started happening to me since 12th had to reach an end.

Anything that rises must reach a height.
And the whole f…


It's that time of the year when the wind changes.
The change is subtle.
But I can feel it. Who can understand better than than me the one I romance.
I have made love with it too many times to be betrayed now.
It doesn't express it's love for me but I understand it in my love for it.
It brings with itself a certain tinge of the upcoming winter.
The fire quality it has will be subdued and replaced with the incessant cold spray.
Though it will burn more if you tried to dare it. Just try running against it and you will know what I mean. Just try seeing it without blinking your eyes and tell who relents earlier.
It's not just a season change, I believe this will herald a change in me and my life too. This time I don't know why but it seems to me it is bringing something along.
I can feel it when I go out to walk at midnight.
I can feel it when I go this park after it gets dark and I am the only one around.
I can feel it when I go to my balcony immediately after getting up.
When it …


I wanted her. More than anything I have ever wanted. I don't feel the same now, been around 2 years. I can't even tell how much because we usually forget the way we feel about people when we don't feel the same way. And I can just guess how strong that feeling was. I can't be sure. But I know that the desire was deep.

Nothing else matters.

Even when people don't get their first love, they have some moments to cherish when they were atleast friends. Here, in a nearly half-life longing, I have no moment, save one, excluding the dreams. She used to make me feel invincible, even inspite me knowing everything. It may sound childish, but before any major event, exam or competition, I used to think about her once and I would know that nothing would stop me from winning.

Nothing else matters.

Most of the people have a must-do-in-life list. It's great but I don't have a list but there were certainly things which I wanted in life. Maybe I do have one even now, but there …


You wont just feel happy at others happiness. You wonder how come its this way. You eventually realize you never started. Thats the way you are. Thats the way you have been since forever. You equate not being happy at others joys to jealousy. You intentionally accept it because the hypocrite you are, that would mean that you are honest, which turns out to be a positive trait.

Only sadness can you feel vicariously.
Understand completely when you read or listen such tales.
Wanting to know it until you have known.
Trying what you could do.
Really wanting to at first but coming from habit as time goes. Wonder if you still want to do it or the habit is dragging you.

But alot time passes. Still sadness remains the only feeling you experience vicariously. You sit and contemplate and realize its the only feeling you have within yourself. How could you feel something for someone else if you havent felt it for yourself.

You dont feel sad about it. Thats the way you feel anyways. Whatever.

Sadness is t…


11 MAY, 2010

Again. Nevermind, I was prepared this time.

I had everything planned out this time. Everything about this sadness and pain I will control. I had it very clear in my mind. I would allow it to tie stones to me, but only as much necessary to keep me submerged down to that level from which I could swim my way back, not be dragged down into the sea. I will feel the breaths going and a nauseating press from all sides . But because I absolutely love this feeling, I would have it.

I was controlling it fine. I got what I wanted. I wouldnt speak about it to anyone. Niether would I listen to music, in fear of dissolving the pleasure. This feeling of bliss had only strengthened over time. Some more time and I will go back to the surface again. Only after I have had enough of it.

And then, something happened. THAT WAS IT. That stone proved to be way too heavy and I was dragged down into Darkness. That suffocation encompassed me, both on the inside and outside and its grip kept getting fir…


The nightmare (read: Midsem Exams) just got over, so did I. This post of mine is dedicated to the intriguing personalties you get to meet during exams.

>> "Second" types first. Anything less then full will cast doubts over his existence/manhood. His sadness on losing even a solitary mark will make you think his decade long girlfriend just dumped him. 2 marks lost and he will blurt, "My life is fucked". He falls short of just crying. And he starts contemplating suicide if someone is scoring more.

>> No matter what - a week before the exam, the night before the exam, morning preceding exam, after exam - one or the other of his relatives ( most times mother or sister ) is getting fucked. Actually he going to make that happen with us, the way his preparations are going on in full throttle.

>> Usually the syllabus isn't clear till the very end. So these types found out a new innovative way - Do every chapter from every available book in the market, an…


That was a season of goodbyes when I quit this blog. Everything I loved goodbye-d me in one way or the other - Be it her, my college or the high-on-the-wind-and-music-speedball blueline rides back home. So I thought who would care about another. But now I couldnt stay without writing, statuses and messages remaining the only means to show off my prowess. Now that Im back after a rather long hiatus, I wish to stretch my time here as much as I can and say allsaidandunsaid that's remaining.

I will update you all about my first year in later posts. But can describe in one word each semester. First - Sad, Second - High and the way this semester is proceeding, the word this semester is going to be Learn.

Since I am not in the clutches of Sadness any more, my writing isn't going to be half as good it was the last time, but atleast it will be ME who's writing. As for my other blog - EMOTIONULL PORNOGRAPHY, its seeing a shutdown because it was a product of indifference, which never l…




He entered the room, switched off the lights and slammed the door shut hard. He then walked off to the farthest corner of the room, where the wall was completely empty, stumbling along the way because of the darkness and sat down on the ground besides it.

He sat down quite for a minute. Then he got up, stared at the wall and punched the wall with his fist enveloping all the confusions and frustration within him. He had become very angry with all that his friends had to say. He shouted out.

Letting go. Is this what life is about?

You fail to jump over some hurdle for which you worked just too hard.
Let go.

You got betrayed by a friend who was too close to you for many years.
Let go.

Your dream which was everything to you shattered into a million pieces.

You didn't end up being with your love who meant the world to you.

Do we live just to let go?

Then after the echoes died down, another part of him spoke out.


Friends, this …


I once wrote a letter to my mausi in the winter of 1999. I still have it but its in a very poor condition. Its all pale yellow and slightly smeared in blue ink on both sides but I can read the words properly. Its torn into 8 pieces owing to reapeated closing and opening.

Its the first piece of writing that I have and its very dear to me. It rested with her for many years and she gave it to me 2 years back since when it has been with me in my wallet.

It will survive atmost 1-2 years more and then the words shall dissolve in time to be lost forever. Thats one of the reasons that I decided to put it up here, I will atleast have it somewhere. Some friends have suggested me to get it laminated, which I won't for sure. Holding it in a plastic will be nothing like these torn 8 pieces of paper which I have to very carefully handle fearing its the last time I am reading it so I read it very rarely and opened it after a long time just so that I could write the words.

It takes me back to those…


The third moment was when I talked to you for the first time. It was about the same time it was that autumn but a few months later. I was thinking about you and when I would get to talk to you for the first time, when you suddenly came and appeared in front of me. You would have walked away had I not called out your name. My heartbeat suddenly rose and I found it hard to frame sentences but I managed somehow. I knew then that I wanted you and that feeling has only grown since that day inspite of the moments when I have been angry and indifferent and confused.

It has happened more times since then that I think of you and you appear before me just then, even as I keep hoping it happens everytime I want it. As I walked away after talking to you, a wind struck me hard in my face reminding me of many things. The first words that came to my mind were - "I want it back". I felt all the pain surging back in me, sometimes I feel the same even now. And as I was walking the road that l…


I profess it loud that I am in love, and deep in it. Now before you all get excited and ask me who the lucky one is, let me tell you its my college that I am talking about. Though I could list a thousand reasons to explain it, but I chose to list three moments that I have had in this college that made me fall in love with it irrevocably.

The first moment happened just the other day. It rained a little that day ( it was not a proper rain). I was standing at the bus stop waiting for my 879 blueline just to the right of the college entrance. Then I remembered that because the road was blocked some distance away due to construction work, the buses wouldn't come this way. So I started walking. I didn't have any specific destination in mind but just wanted to walk. Walk and think and contemplate about whatever came to my mind surrounded by the music. And because I had left early, I knew I could walk for any amount time, I could have walked all the way to the metro station.

I don'…


Its the first proper rain this season. I am sitting in my balcony as I write this ( though you will be reading this on a PC). I know that its difficult to get a beautiful view staying in a city but my balcony is different.

I have been sitting before the clouds started pouring down. I was sitting here when the warmth, which is a precursor to the rain, was looming in the atmosphere and till now, when the heavy rain has faded into a drizzle. I can hear the rolling of the tyres from the road, the wet rolling which could tell me of the rain even if I was blind. I just saw an auto-rickshaw without its upper half.

Every now and then, a sharp violent light brightens this paper on which I scribble and roars loudly when I dont look up. Even the lightning demands respect. The rain has stained whole of this paper. Over some stains, I have already written, while the others still await my pen.

When I look above, at the sky, I am amazed. Its coloured in so many different colours. To the right of me, th…


"I missed you so much", he said as they hugged each other so tight as if it was the last time they were doing this. Whereas the truth was that they were meeting each other after a long time. They didn't leave each other till the time all the love they had missed in all these months blended within both of them.

Because they lived in different cities, they got to meet only once in few months. The time between these months would be very difficult for them. They would keep thinking about the last encounter they had and that would keep a faint smile in their hearts, and a part of them hoped that they get to meet soon. It wasn't very tough also because they were busy in their lives and they kept in touch through phone, but still the joy of holding each other and looking into each other's eyes couldn't be matched.

"I didn't miss you", she said sarcastically, "Stupid", releasing herself from him. "Why did you call me at this particular plac…


It was what a Heaven must be.
But why did my dad have to wake me up from the heaven I was in.

Anyway, he didn't know that I was having a dream which I would like to have everyday for the rest of my life. Though I couldn't have her, but still I could have lived with that dream forever. It was bliss while I was sleeping but after I woke up, it was nothing but a thorn of pain. I forgot it after a couple of hours but it occupied my mind big time during those two hours.

That's how it happens. Initially, she used to come in my dreams almost every night and give me the time which I didn't get from her during the day. But then as the truth kept getting clearer and time passed, the frequency lowered gradually. From every night, it declined to once in every 3-4 days, then weekly and finally around once in a month. Since then, she comes to see me only once in months but that single dream is enough to bring back all the memories and lift me from the present to the past.

There was a t…


Lonely in the late night
Treading the only road I know
Contemplating the day gone by
Thoughts heavy cross my mind

Defeated by myself
I walk on confused
My outside in perfect contrast
To the tumult raging inside

Lost, I didnt notice
That a cold encompasses me
Its the wind that starts blowing
And leaves rustle showing gratitude

My heartbeat slows down
A void starts filling me
Dissolving away my thoughts
And untangling every knot

Clearing my path of these leaves sallow
The memories bleeding that lay in my path
Nudging me to smile again
Is it the wind?
Or is it you?

Echoing promises of taking me away
From this world of sorrow and deceit
To a realm of sweet tranquility
Is it the wind?
Or is it you?

Been in this darkness for long
Day I desire not
One star light will blind
Drifting from my eyes these clouds black
Is it the wind?
Or is it you?

Its still yesterday
Waiting for today to come
But it seems too far away
Past is my life
Past has my life

Today is all I want
A life is all I want
Holding my hand
And walking me into today
And …


After pondering over it for a long time, he decided that he would let go of her. He looked around for a pencil, paper and an eraser. Though it took him some time as he hardly kept his things arranged, but he managed to find them. He then sat down and took the pencil in his hand and gazed at it.

Her face was all that was before his eyes. The way she used to smile, he could give up everything just to see that crescent once more. Each time she used to smile, a wave of invincibility swept him. And her eyes, their depth never he could make out, but then assumed that were as deep as his life.

He wrote down her name on the paper, the letters which meant the world to him and then stared at them. After a considerable amount of time had passed, he picked up the eraser and erased the letters which he had just written.

This was his way of letting go of her. He sincerely thought each time he erased her name, he would let go of her bit by bit and erase gradually every corner in his life which she had…