YEAAHH...!!!

You wont just feel happy at others happiness. You wonder how come its this way. You eventually realize you never started. Thats the way you are. Thats the way you have been since forever. You equate not being happy at others joys to jealousy. You intentionally accept it because the hypocrite you are, that would mean that you are honest, which turns out to be a positive trait.

Only sadness can you feel vicariously.
Understand completely when you read or listen such tales.
Wanting to know it until you have known.
Trying what you could do.
Really wanting to at first but coming from habit as time goes. Wonder if you still want to do it or the habit is dragging you.

But alot time passes. Still sadness remains the only feeling you experience vicariously. You sit and contemplate and realize its the only feeling you have within yourself. How could you feel something for someone else if you havent felt it for yourself.

You dont feel sad about it. Thats the way you feel anyways. Whatever.

Sadness is the only water you thrive upon. You will do anything to get it. Any flavour will do. If you cant find it in yourself, you will try to find it in others. Read it. Feel satiated when their words pour out their grief to you. Feel a little Happy. Your thirst has been quenched. Thats the only time you feel Happy.

Your tolerance level keeps on increasing each time, so each subsequent phase must be deeper than the last time. And it so fucking is.

If you cant find it in someone else, you create circumstances. A trap. A mousetrap. Except that the trap is not for trivial mice but Sadness, in any form.

You fall in love. You see her everyday and think about her every moment of your life. Hope so much to see her in your dreams, that you actually do. Write words to show your seriousness. Build fucking hopeless "IS IT YOU"s.

You dream endlessly. Once the dreams have been collected, say to yourself every day you want it fucking badly. Build your life around your dreams and love and intertwine them irrevocablly. Keep doing it for some time.

Cause you want it too badly - Sadness - the thing you laid the trap for, the whole universe conspires so that you dont end up getting the love and THERE!!

There it lays inside the trap and you just need tip it over in your mouth. The elixir for your soul.

But you wont tip it yourself. Go somewhere where you can be alone with the wind. Shout to it silently - My work is done, now you do yours.

It doesn't dissapoint. Mellow at first. The intensity rises. Only touching you initially, it consumes you completely gradually. It assimilates within you and becomes one. Going through you when after all its you. Heaven. You feed on this feeling like blood to a vampire. You are getting high. The wind is not the wind anymore. It is fire. And you incinerate intentionally. Each breath of yours fanning the flames to grow wildlier. Its a vicious circle.

You got what you wanted. For what you laid a trap. A rush for which you can repeat it all a million times.

You look towards the sky. Let out a sigh of a smile, escaping the smoke from all the embers that lay within the burnt you. Acknowledging to the wind that the love-making has climaxed. Asking it to be here when you return some other day.

Just not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.


Comments

  1. wow...
    U've put everything so damn well...
    U write really well...

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Pranali: HEY!!, I expected you to comment but not so soon. Thanks for reading and for the appreciation. Keep following.

    ReplyDelete
  3. one word: awesome.
    BUT, i do not agree with the fact that people get sad looking at others happiness..for example, if i see a beggar kid, n i give him food, he smiles & is comparatively happier. But, am not sad looking at the kid.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @A.A.: Its not about getting sad at other's happiness, its different. I don't expect others to understand. The example you give is trivial.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great work as always!!!

    is too dark, couldn't get it on my first read.

    @spectator-the spectator watches all, yet remains hidden and unknown in crowd, but can he really do that from his anonymous friend.Of course i understand.

    2 days back i too,did set a trap.It did not work , though, it was infallible .I look back now, and I know why it didn't.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Anonymous: Darkness will shine in most of my pieces. You give one of the myriad aspects of my pseudonym.
    PS You asked me to keep trying, I tell you the same, and it might work.

    ReplyDelete
  7. had to read twice to actually grab the extent of sadness......how can u have sooo much sadness within you?????

    ReplyDelete
  8. Suffice to say, your Happiness and my Sadness would annihilate each other. And I said in a previous post, that this is stuff from the past, not now.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2016, Jeete Hain Chal - Part I

2016, Jeete Hain Chal, Part IV

2016, Jeete Hain Chal - Part II