THE UNNAMED FEELING

11 MAY, 2010

Again. Nevermind, I was prepared this time.

I had everything planned out this time. Everything about this sadness and pain I will control. I had it very clear in my mind. I would allow it to tie stones to me, but only as much necessary to keep me submerged down to that level from which I could swim my way back, not be dragged down into the sea. I will feel the breaths going and a nauseating press from all sides . But because I absolutely love this feeling, I would have it.

I was controlling it fine. I got what I wanted. I wouldnt speak about it to anyone. Niether would I listen to music, in fear of dissolving the pleasure. This feeling of bliss had only strengthened over time. Some more time and I will go back to the surface again. Only after I have had enough of it.

And then, something happened. THAT WAS IT. That stone proved to be way too heavy and I was dragged down into Darkness. That suffocation encompassed me, both on the inside and outside and its grip kept getting firmer.

I couldnt take it anymore, niether could I let it away. I had lost the control. I lost the fight for which I had planned so meticulously. Indifference was the only route I had then and that coupled with distraction is what I chose.

I had honestly thought that I would keep that pain within my control and not allow it to grow so much that I became numb and getting indifferent remained the only option.

I lost, but I tried. I will definitely win some day.


I am fighting this almost everyday and I fucking lose every single time. I hope I win soon because the day I win, I wouldnt need you. Not that I have you now, but then , even the desire will die.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Turn away.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.

Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax, Turn around and take my hand.


Comments

  1. you missed the tipping point, it requires some effort to stabilize something at tipping point.
    Self inducted pain, and control over that, difficult but if u are able to , then nothing like that.

    Try it again if you can, and would love to read that magnificent piece of writing , u'll write after it.

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  2. @anon: I am over that phase for good, and yeah, practice makes a man perfect. Someday, maybe, I will write about it again.
    PS Thanks for remaining anon.

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  3. its brilliant, absolutely,specially the italicised part, but as usual, i want you to beplain happy n nothing else!!!

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  4. Happy, I am. And the italicized part will rarely be written by me - either lyrics, or dialogues, or anything.

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  5. feelings are always uncontrollable, specially when you deliberately try to control them..
    I just simply love your beautiful expressions..

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  6. being indifferent is no solution to ur pain...i guess u should share your pain with your close one's to release some burden .

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  7. @anonymous: This was a continuous experiment.
    @vineet: You were sitting to my right when I was doing this.

    ReplyDelete

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