ROLLER-MESTER

So, another semester goes by.
I don't know how to start. So much has happened all through these 4 months. I will start from the beginning of this semester and hope the story just flows then.

(God, how messed up everything is, deleting more than I am writing)

Bittersweet Symphony. Crash Into Me.
These were the two songs that I kept listening to for the first 2-3 weeks this semester. I don't remember being happier anytime in the past two years. Being high on happiness, a feeling I never fathomed could exist.

Finding Tool and getting to know their music.
That coming together of drums towards the end in Vicarious.
That repetition of Between Supposed Lovers in Schism.
The crescendoing lyrics in Stinkfist.

November Rain.
My favourite, and The perfect song on love.

My Hero.

Nothing Else Matters.
Listening to it hours on end and still finding a new meaning everytime I heard it.

That night. When you said it made you want to fall in love with me everytime I told you I loved you. The clouds that made a trail to the full moon. As if following it to a place of dreams. The first time I went out to run on the desolate roads at midnight. The liberating feeling I got. The fresh wet dew on the grass.

Those five days without you. Those five days without you.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained


How I couldn't help thinking at the start about the end of the road. I kept telling you the same, about us, when we were just good friends.

So if you want to love me
Then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain


Feeling the melancholic strains of my six-stringed life locked away in a dark room changing to sweet jovial acoustic strums.

From almost double to perfect double. That last photo on our double date. Unforgettable. Inspite it getting lost.

The peaking of my music addiction. Down to less than an hour from the 7-9 hours during week days. Thanks to anyone who stole my phone while I was in SleepLand in 879.

My first outing to Central Park with you. That day was different. The first and only time it rained while I was there. Being blessed by a eunuch who I had read about from a writer I admire and try to be like. And the many more outings to different places.

Learning to trust more in the wind. The wind that told me at the starting of the autumn it was bringing something new along with it for me. And didn't it.!

Arrow through the heart. Feeling the heart sinking within myself, and the blood flooding my chest, making it impossible to breathe. But still loving it, a feeling once my best friend. And using music to physically manifest the mental pain.

Losing a friend with whom I had spent the most time in the first year here, mostly my fault and not finding the courage to patch up.

Interest in people zooming more than ever.

That surprise "Birthday" party organised for us. Fun every second of it. Silk. Singing "Chahiye Thoda Pyaar", a friend said it was very apt, for me.

Still commuting four hours to and back from college.
Studies more fucked-up than ever.

Revisiting almost all my childhood with you. You too, with me.

Ditched by the CWG officials. All my hopes getting a uniform, shoes and an opportunity to have a totally new enriching experience shattered, although the two trainings I went through were fun. I saw someone after a long time I always thought I would, but had no idea about where. Both behaved as strangers. I got nothing to say about it.

Electric nights.

That feeling of peace that once night. Again a feeling I fathomed couldn't exist. Sitting on the bed reclining against the pillow as much I was in myself. I could listen to that silence for ever, if it was yours. The light entering my room through the slightly ajar door, slitted by the fan that lay in it's path.

Making new friends, and cementing friendships with old ones. Friends who will make you laugh even in adverse situations, making you feel it was worth it. An only new friend to whom I dedicated Thank you, without telling him. Going to many levels with him, before eventually discarding that system since it got beyond words. Better chemistry with him at once than with my girlfriend. A one-day friendship with one of the most lively, cheerful and straight-forward girls I've met. An online stranger, the first on my blog.

Thinking a lot about growing up, not myself, but the idea.

Learning more about life, from everyone, from the myriad blogs I keep frequenting.

Realising bittersweet is the sweetest sweet.
Memories are bittersweet. Tears are bittersweet. Life is bittersweet.

Realising the journey is the only destination. Destinations are transitory, the road is eternal.

Realising that every answer lies in yourself. You just need to see deep enough.

Realising that today is everything. And then that the moment is supreme and everything.

Realising the best way of letting go isn't forgetting it but accepting and then embracing it. We actually let go when we look at it, emotionully.

While preparing for my PA exam, an epiphany struck me cramming the derivation of Breadth Factor. Its calculated by dividing the phasor sum by the algebraic sum of emfs. Our life is the same phasor diagram. It is the sum of all the phases and those phases will not matter when we reach the end. But the present is that matters, not the end.

I have a word for each semester, it was Sad for the 1st semester, High for the 2nd. For this one it has to be Change. How I kept thinking about the end initially, and got to thinking that today, and then the moment is everything. This semester changed everything, how I think mainly. How I loved love only for it's sadness and darkness all these years, and it changed with you. The beauty of being loved back.

We all keep hearing and reading about how love doesn't last forever. How every person love commits the same mistake of thinking that their relationship is different and it will last forever, but fate uncaring and deaf to such thoughts winds up things the same way.

I would be honest in saying these thoughts occupy my mind too. But believe me or not, all this actually comforts me. That love doesnt last forever is true, there's no denying it. People who say this have much more experience.

But lovers always come
And lovers always go
And no one's really sure
Who's lettin' go today


And sooner or later its over
I just dont want to miss you tonight


I always smile whenever I hear these or similar lines. A smile of acceptance. A smile of knowing the right thing. So I won't promise being together forever, till my last breath. But I can and I do promise, loving you today, in this moment. And I can promise of making THIS moment count till we are one.

You always keep asking me if I get to learn anything from you the way you so frequently do from me, and I always keep avoiding this question. But now I have an answer, a message a friend asked me to give you - HI ANGEL....I ASKED HIM TO TELL YOU THIS, M NOT SURE IF HEZ DONE IT, I REALLY WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING LIFE BACK TO MY LOVELY FRIEND. MAY THE LOVE AND THE INSANITY NEVER DIE.

So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


Comments

  1. Its simply awesome..and I love ur honesty... "every person love commits the same mistake of thinking that their relationship is different and it will last forever.." I agree with this.. and yes regarding semesters also.. 3rd was a period of change..and m happy for both of u.. U guys look supercute together.. :D :D

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  2. One..So glad glad that you are happy, as you deserve all the happiness in this world.Believe me, you do.
    Two..Your girlfriend must be equally happy and much more to see such happiness and so much change in you and all for the good.
    Three..Hope you keep learning new things in life and remain happy. :):)

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  3. 1.Great , u r being loved back.
    10.The learning part they told in (u know where) also. Its very important.
    11.I being probably the sole eye-witness your losing ur friend incident, i think , i had nvr seen u that angry(irritated).In library one day, some stranger had shouted at us, i asked you to do something, and u said, ya thats the best thing to do.
    100.I was about to text you, put up a blog yaar, its been so many days.
    101.Let you 10 be together atleast for tonight,as you say.
    110. signing off.
    P.S. i got the idea of numbering from anon2.

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  4. WOW.......I LOVED IT THE MOST!!! ITS DEFINITELY EPIC.......AND THANKS FOR MAKING ME A SMALL PART OF IT :)

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  5. She really came in ur life like an angel who will fulfill all ur dreams...

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  6. Nice, but. . .(will tell you when we meet)

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  7. @Pranali: End of semesters is a tough time, had really mo time to update. Hope to catch up with you soon.

    @anon6: Got to meet you asap in that case.

    @anon5: Ya let's see. No idea about your identity.

    @CoolvibeS: Definitely more than a small part. Thanks.

    @n_s_a: Some things happened after the incident you witnessed as well, but I will do as you said. Our chemistry still persists.

    @anon2: :-) <3

    @anon1: It's great to know you could relate to it. Sorry I thought but squeeze in a line about you, but hope to be good friends with you for a long time.

    PS: I din't get the idea of numbering from anyone :P

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