2016, Jeete Hain Chal - Part II
I used to believe that mistakes are to be always made. Just that, as you grow you up, you make new, better mistakes. What I found was the good changes or techniques arnt permanent. You quit smoking , you go back to it. I used to study very smartly for my exams in college, limiting myself to paper pattern and maximizing and directing my efforts according. But yet again, after 4 years, I'm back to square one, reading chapters that won't be asked, later pulling my hair that why I didn't do better. I expect my boy friends to be caring and understanding as i meet new people, but I myself get envious and insecure when new trendy people walk into their lives.
Love wise, I have been satisfied. I remember the moments when I felt alone and useless and it trickled down as frustration to my entire life. Now that I have someone to hold, I am relaxed and hedged. In fact I feel more confident in pissing off people, the friends uplifting me give me a boost to shoot up higher.
I have become calmer, but at the cost of my ambitiousness. The angry, ever -excited me could get things done,as typical type A she was very averse to loss. Now she just lets go, unerrie thoughts that some things can't be changed , given her definition of "somethings" is pretty damaged.
I have been bullied. I have been told that I should speak, that I should sit in my class like a sheep and discouraged the Shepard from making us climb uphill. I didn't take it well at first. I felt threatened by my own stock. But the Shepard smile and satisfaction and concerned mattered to me more, so I tweaked a solution. Instead of speaking what I already knew, I waited. Why hear my own ideas again ? I waited till I needed to be proved wrong, or to be directed. And then I spoke up. No regrets for that, it's balanced , and my balanced bleating didn't trouble other sleeping sheep much.
I used to take what people spoke at face value, never question it. What would you build on if you did ? I assumed people know next about themselves. But lately I have realized that correcting base facts are important . people will say not who they are, but maybe project themselves as their idealized self. And in life, situations arise that they trickle down to their not-so-ideal self, angry self, small self . I have realized to correct my expecting, and I'm able to love them more this way.
20 something's are so confused about life and everything. They ae confused inside. Their brain and hormones are at a constant tug of war with each other, and they stand still , numb and help self wondering whether to go for the fruit or the shake. Or for peace or war.
I have found that I miss alone time as much as I miss my family. I miss an environment where be just "be". Where there is no rush, no need to prove anything to anyone. Just an internal struggle to fight your own demons.
There are so many other notions that broke down this year. I felt lucky when a group of people in seniority chose me as a member. I remember jumping and being excited. How cute I was. Not knowing I'll hate all the days I was with them, for their egos expanded more than their brain. I found friends in people i thought hadn't done much in life: career wise. What I found was they were best of thinkers, with clarity to help everyone in need.
Seeing A* and T* hit off so well is cute and errie at once. But then I just thought of the song "chadi mujhe daru teri asi jaese daru desi" and I believe all of us can be great friends. The goa trip is shaping up now
When I look back, there are some images, some feelings and a general sense of terror. Writing about myself is not comfortable. I hide behind anonymity yet, feel more vulnerable than ever. I would refrain from labelling the year with an adjective. The year has gone by, as just and impassive as those before it. However, it has witnessed change in my life. For a (flip flop) bit, all the power it has stems from it’s ability to change. I wonder if my power has the same source. Let’s go over the major changes, I quit a job I was working in for over three years. I flew around the country giving interviews, chasing love. I went farther than I have ever before, only to lose it all. Feel incapable and lost. Close to the edge, threatening to fall, I found wisdom and, from it arose ease. Something clicked, My universe was finally aware that it had been holding it's breath. I learnt to forget and let go. As far as societal rules go, I have done well. Read 30+ books, added substantial worth monetarily, friends, partners; It’s all there. If I start boring you with details it would appear that everything has worked out.
That said, I have awakened to the fact that I have never gained anything, never can, never will. For, I have everything, always had, always will. I apologise for the abstractness, truth is often not objective, contrary to popular belief, it’s relative to our own perspective. And, my truth is that, 2016 is the year I finally woke up.
I had started to think that this year was a complete waste but thanks to Anant, I did a restrospective introspection. The year had an amazing start, I won this kick ass award where I was declared the best public affairs professional. I was the youngest to win this award in the country. However, seeing my counterparts doing exceptionally well for themselves I use to feel that I need to do something about the career graph which was starting to appear static.
In April, I did a brave thing. I hate fall outs and I hate losing people who mean a lot to me. I decided to take an initiative and get things cleared out with one of the most lovable friends of mine. And to my surprise this kid happily accepted the reconciliation. Friends are so important!
I loved my job and more than that I loved my boss, yes it is a surprising thing to say but my boss was like my godmother and the idea of leaving her scared me. But then I was also worried about my future goals which couldn't have been accomplaished sitting in the comfort zone. In Sep I quit my job and while writing the resignation I had tears in my eyes. 2.5 months I shut myself, disconnected myself from social media to concentrate on GMAT. Sadly I didnt score the desrired 700 plus. But my Buddhism practise pushed me to apply for colleges because somewhere I knew I can do it.
In the middle of all this, my grandfather passed away. I love him to the core and till date I miss his stories from Pakistan and the Old Delhi food hangouts he use to tell me about.
When the year was approaching the end I got to know Anant at a personal level, what an amazing human being this guy is! This year was full of surprises, I got connected to another wonderful soul whom I wasn't even aware existed!
This year has been full of surprises and I have seen myself become the happy person I was in my teens!