2017 - Thank You - Part 3
Anonymous 4
It gave me all the wonderful things that life has to offer and also dished out a few which will keep haunting and comforting me while lulling me to sleep in their lap at twilight (yeah, disturbed sleep cycle).
Do we really have control over things? (+) What makes things happen?
How do we gauge which situations require immediate action, and which ones time will take care of?
Do some things just have a way of happening? And other things not?
Kindly pardon me for the heaviness.
A rather thoughtful thought in the context of the last question was shared with me recently. Rephrased, it says it is futile to think if something had to happen or not, what is more important is what we do after that thing has happened. What is thoughtful here is to understand that we have a choice to mould ourselves to become better for ourselves each day, simple (and profound) as that.
On 23rd April, I had just gotten done with a project for which I had worked hard by getting addicted to the work involved. But months of hard-work, dotted with darkest phases of my life, produced zero output. One might wonder how then was the project gotten done with? Well, my time on the project was over, and thankfully so. I realized that some things have a way of not working out. One should not mistake the last statement for cocky philosophical waxing, that too after failing, for I did feel deeply guilty and shameful for not producing valuable results during the course of my project. But all that self-badgering while being stuck in my own notions was not helping me in any way. It was only in retrospect that I actually accepted that the nature of work itself was such that it would take a very long period of time to achieve the goals we set out for. The goals could very well be achieved in the duration I worked on the project, for of course nobody would embark on the project knowing that it could not be finished. But there were several other factors which indeed were out of control of my seniors and mentors and then there were those immensely taxing dark phases. Working hard and failing left me wondering about the complicated relationship between input and output in research in the natural sciences. My “life-learning” from unsuccessful attempts was : though life (my collective term for time and energy) was spent and I felt guilty and in turn handicapped, it was(is) best to cut those feelings short lest more life should be spent for nothing.
The last week of April, 2017 brought with itself the lightness and brightness of life. My year thus began in April end. I was finally feeling free. I could find myself chuckling at simple joys and laughing heartily just for myself. I was feeling deeply thankful that a certain phase of my life had passed and another one was about to start. I had accepted an offer for PhD in a university in the USA and was to join in August. I was finally peaceful and blissful, having given up trying to control things.
This phase of my life was also the most magical of all. I was enjoying my last few days in a beautiful place that I loved and one particular evening I was feeling joyous for no reason and as bizarre as it might sound, the feeling completely transfixed me and I took a few moments to feel the joy and then continued walking in the corridor of my workplace. Later that week, I found the love of my life, and how!
At my farewell party I found the person who would fill the gaps of my existence with brilliantly beautiful colors of satisfaction, harmony and joy. It was ironic that we met just three days before I was to leave, despite being in the same place for three years, but we are going strong and I cannot be thankful enough for the sweetness that dissolves into my life every day now.
For my birthday in the first week of May, I had gifted myself a vacation in God’s own Kerala with my parents. A week flew by as my parents grumpily put up with my wanderlust in scorching May. Among the things which stayed with me from the trip were the lovely Varkala cliff-beach, the smile on my mother’s face in Padmanabhaswamy temple, my twirling my wet dupatta in the breezy evenings on the terrace of our hired-room while savoring the views of the sea through coconut trees, the beautiful architecture of Kerala – especially the outwardly curved projections on the balconies which I plan to have in my future home, the simplicity of people who posed for photos for me, the local bus ride to Munnar, my mother looking out for me as I tried to wander deep into the forest of Periyar Tiger Reserve, my father enjoying the boat ride in National park more than me, my obsession to find a baby elephant but failing to do so, tea in the chilly mornings in Thekkady, sun rays piercing through the thick clouds as we walked in the tea gardens, my asking the people on Kochi port for Kochi fort and their telling me while pointing to the road that that was the fort (yes, they call a port a fort), me bearing the brunt for the mispronunciation as my momma dished out angry lines at me, seeing different ways of catching fish from the sea, churches and temples and the bustling roads of Kerala which have a life of their own, my traveling solo without a confirmed ticket after my parents took off from Kochi airport, shattering of my notion of being a great travel-planner.
The next two months were spent at home with visits to and from relatives, waking up to my mother calling me to help in kitchen but my going and hugging her, altercations with father over who will ride the bike as he took me around to help me complete my Visa formalities, my ma worrying about how I would manage to survive in a foreign land where I would be required to cook for myself given my laziness and painfully slow pace of cooking, my pa being continually stunned with the amount of online shopping a human being could do (It would require pleading to him on the phone to accept a package on my behalf on the rare occasions I was out when Amazon delivered my packages. He did send a couple of packages back).
As I took off to USA in July, I was jubilant on flying with Emirates. I had been obsessed with the jet-pack video shot in Dubai with men with jet-packs soaring shoulder to shoulder with an Emirates airplane. My flight had a layover in Dubai, so, naturally, I was hoping to see something adventures in the skies over Dubai and to transition someday from a passenger inside Emirates airplane to the jet-packed human flying besides the plane.
As I reached Georgia, I found myself crying, homesick already. I spent two days curled up on the couch in the home of a kind and sweet member of the Indian Students Association (ISA) here. She kept me warm and fed and gave me all the helpful and necessary information which proved to be immensely helpful in the next few months.
I often felt out of place, lonely and thought I had lost the ability to make friends. Despite being a 25 year who should ideally be mature enough to understand that having moved to a new place, I would take some time to establish friendships, the immediate needs of the inconsolable heart were not fulfilled and I often found myself feeling unable to cope with life, as the semester galloped ahead of me.
During this time I also realized my physical limitations and the discrepancy between how things were in my head and how they were in reality. I struggled to live life in accordance with my thoughts, aimed to live hours and days as planned but found myself hopping into bed frequently for quick 2-hours naps. I thought redecorating my room and putting flowers on my ceiling to see something nice every time I awoke would help pull the image of a physically fit girl with alacrity, out of my mind to reality. Even though I later found that only meditation could help me partly carry out my day as planned, each night my perplexity and life’s sheer absurdity sleep with me.
Each morning the sky reveals its inner deep pink flesh, and I continue to ponder and learn about myself.
As 2017 ends, I have come to terms with the fact that a few things are out of my control, capacity and reach currently, and have started accepting my self which keeps shifting form from one moment to another. It is comforting.
I would sign off with an intriguing observation I made in the last couple of weeks. I had bought a house plant and had placed it on my window sill, with enough room for it to grow. But my plant just kept shedding leaves. Worried, I kept track and regularly watered it, made sure it got fresh air. Sunlight was not a problem with the plant sitting by the window. As nothing helped, I shifted the plant to a big table in the living room where it is now thriving.
Maybe some beings just need their space to grow.
(Below you can see my now-happy plant and my journal which I wish to fill with beautiful things.)
Anonymous 5
Can’t begin to contemplate how 2017 went by so fast! The year started off little rough as I was trying really hard to get out of my comfort zone and challenge my professional skills which seemed ever so scanty. I was trying to gel with the people at my new workplace and working super hard to create an impact by whatever little I was doing. It was a tough time cause that is when I realized that you won’t always encounter the nicest of people or experiences in life and the huge bubble had just gotten burst! I had almost hit the lowest calibration on my scale of self-confidence which was surprising for a usually confident person like me. But being my ardent self, I somehow managed to fill in those crevices of diffidence and come around. Meanwhile, my special people were nailing it in their respective lives and I couldn’t have been prouder. This was a treat to watch since they were finally happy with what they had attained after the long episodes of dismay. I was finally able to bring my extended family closer and replenish few relations which had remained scarred for a very long time(slowly pats the back! :P). I got to interview college kids and that was such a wonderful experience. Made a lot of friends and amazing memories in those hiring drives.I also got a chance to attend a spiritual awakening course which was quite an experience in itself. I came in touch with a lot of legendary people due to that course and spent some quality time with them. I planned an awesome trip for my Mom and executed it so nicely that it made her happy beyond measure. I studied to become more literate financially and was able to coin some investment goals for my near future. It was a pleasant year personally and more of a rickety chair professionally but since I am going to attend a really cool new year’s party, the annual rating just got soared! :P
Anonymous 6
Looking back on my previous year reviews, I have focussed more on travel and maybe because that’s what have been my most happy memories of the year, and I wanted to project those in year review so that I could feel positive about the year that went by and hopeful that I could make more such memories in the new one. Travel has been a stress-buster for me and this year as well it had helped me pull through some tough times.
The first half was marred with countless interview rejections ( job, not marriage :p). To be honest, I wasn't fully prepared and was too eager to switch jobs, and that led to many mistakes which could have been avoided. I guess, I learned the lesson the hard way. On top of that, I didn't have a flat of my own to live for about one and a half months. It was really tough finding a good flat after I vacated my precious place and I was reduced to couch surfing at my friend's place.
For few days it was fine but after that it kinda became a problem not only for me but for my friend with his landlord, but thankfully I got a flat just in time before it could have got a bit messier.
Amidst all of this, I decided to plan a Euro-trip. It was in my plans since last year, and I felt the timing is right to do this year and I got the right company as well. It was a probably one of the best decisions of this year, with all these things going, interviews and house hunting, planning for this trip helped me unwind and kept me excited for things to come.
And right before the Euro-trip, as if saari kyaanat hume Europe se milane me lagi thi, I got a job offer from a company in Germany. I couldn't have ask for any better news at that time. And then came the most awaited trip, and over the course of next 20 days, I explored the history of Rome, visited the world's biggest church in Vatican, became an art connoisseur in Florence, walked over multiple bridges in the canal city of Venice, did pub-hopping in Budapest and chilled out in thermal baths, cycled through the country roads of Vienna, soaked in the old charm of Prague during the day and partied through the night, and then to finish it off with some German beers in Berlin. I owe a lot for the success of this trip to Arpit, if not for him I would have struggled somewhat, but he was a perfect company I could have asked for.
I resigned from my job in Mumbai in November. And I am gonna miss Mumbai. It was for the first time I moved to a different city away from my family two years ago, and I thank my stars, I got this job at that time which got me to this amazing city and where I made some new lifelong friends. And personally I feel it was important for me to being independent and live on my own for sometime.
Now, next year is gonna be another new challenge for me with entirely new country and new people and hopefully I would have interesting experiences which I will then share with you in next year review.
Till then Cheers and a Happy New Year!!
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