Find your calling, we all are told. I for one am totally fucked up finding mine. I know am good for nothing. There is nothing I have done in my life, no achievement to be proud of, nothing at all. There is not one thing which others, or me, might call my talent.

A loser is what I am. I have really always believed in this, through thick and thin.
I have always looked at my friends, and others - each one is good, rather the best at something. But not me. Each one of them is best at heart too. I consider myself the most fortunate person on this earth for having them.
There used to be days when I used to be very upset at having no talent, something at which others would look up to me for. I have complete confidence in me - such a day will never dawn.

It's not that I have anyone to blame, I have only myself to blame. There is no single thing to which I have set out with my heart and soul.
I have given up. Given up every single time I have faltered on a step whenever the upward trend saw even a tiny fall. I have ventured out to achieve something else everytime, never stuck to a single anything. I have never ever had the tenacity to see something till it's end.

Damn me!
An ass of all trades is the phrase for me.

No ambition I have in life. None at all.
The philosophical ones - to remain happy and all, utter bullshit they are.
I feel for my girlfriend - she has to go through so much torture listening to all my stinking shit.

Yeah, the only think I am good at is thinking.
Sitting , sitting, shitting and thinking, and then later telling it all to my prey, a innocent soul.
Nothing else have I done all these years.

Thats the reason I am not good at nothing else, haven't done anything else.
No fucking one of you can understand nor can I make you understand what shit flies around in the shithole brain of mine. It just kills me sometimes, years have gone but my fucking brain works the same way. I just hate it. I can't even think how many fucking knots are up there, I have just given up, it's become a way of life.

There have been times when I have lost my ability to think , after thinking more than anyone can. Thoughts used to come but every thought used to be with someone in a form of conversation, and then I used to spend says perfecting that conversation, all in my brain. Most of times the conversation would never actually happen.
I don't know if you are even following a little of that I'm saying. Forget it.
Some day, like today, it all comes out. But it has been coming out regularly since the past few days.

Good for nothing, that's what this fucking Spectator is.
And yeah, here again I will choose the easier path, I will write about it rather than setting out to right what's wrong with me.


  1. so much negativity? never saw that in you...

    We all lose ourselves and then few lucky people find themselves.. It sucks when you don't have a purpose... I don't have one too... chill... you are not alone!!

  2. @Pranali: Many of my posts on this blog have been negative, just that I never wrote about myself directly. I find it amazing, that my friends seem so surprised when I tell them that I am sad :D

    I am happy that I was able to write something at least. It's worth it :D

  3. u have always loved sadness, maybe because it helps you write,but then be gracious tht you've got it every time u asked for it.

    And ya there is one thing u r great at, "summing up your life ", did a great job there . ;)

  4. sometimes i do feel the same...

  5. Dude ! Have you ever heard of 'unwinding' ?
    Put yourself together mate.....
    Talent sab mein hota hai, u just have to harness it at the right time. And sooner or later it happens. You have to be in the right state of mind.

    Also, this thing you just realised (I dont know what was the trigger, you are obligated to call and tell me) that you are a loser is good and bad.
    Good coz it will ignite in your heart a desire to rise above the trivialities of life. Bad coz you are generalizing negativity and accepting it. This will only create hurdles , self proclaimed obstacles which aren't really there...matlab BC free fund mein ??

    And about the feelings thing...specially your habit of IF by Rudyard sums up all that we experience in life.


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