YOU HAD TIME

You wont just feel happy at others happiness. You wonder how come its this way. You eventually realize you never started. Thats the way you are. Thats the way you have been since forever. You equate not being happy at others joys to jealousy. You intentionally accept it because the hypocrite you are, that would mean that you are honest, which turns out to be a positive trait. Only sadness can you feel vicariously. Understand completely when you read or listen such tales. Wanting to know it until you have known. Trying what you could do. Really wanting to at first but coming from habit as time goes. Wonder if you still want to do it or the habit is dragging you. But alot time passes. Still sadness remains the only feeling you experience vicariously. You sit and contemplate and realize its the only feeling you have within yourself. How could you feel something for someone else if you havent felt it for yourself. You dont feel sad about it. Thats the way you feel anyways. Whatever. Sadnes...

11 MAY, 2010 Again. Nevermind, I was prepared this time. I had everything planned out this time. Everything about this sadness and pain I will control. I had it very clear in my mind. I would allow it to tie stones to me, but only as much necessary to keep me submerged down to that level from which I could swim my way back, not be dragged down into the sea. I will feel the breaths going and a nauseating press from all sides . But because I absolutely love this feeling, I would have it. I was controlling it fine. I got what I wanted. I wouldnt speak about it to anyone. Niether would I listen to music, in fear of dissolving the pleasure. This feeling of bliss had only strengthened over time. Some more time and I will go back to the surface again. Only after I have had enough of it. And then, something happened. THAT WAS IT. That stone proved to be way too heavy and I was dragged down into Darkness. That suffocation encompassed me, both on the inside and outside and its grip kept getting ...

The nightmare (read: Midsem Exams) just got over, so did I. This post of mine is dedicated to the intriguing personalties you get to meet during exams. >> "Second" types first. Anything less then full will cast doubts over his existence/manhood. His sadness on losing even a solitary mark will make you think his decade long girlfriend just dumped him. 2 marks lost and he will blurt, "My life is fucked". He falls short of just crying. And he starts contemplating suicide if someone is scoring more. >> No matter what - a week before the exam, the night before the exam, morning preceding exam, after exam - one or the other of his relatives ( most times mother or sister ) is getting fucked. Actually he going to make that happen with us, the way his preparations are going on in full throttle. >> Usually the syllabus isn't clear till the very end. So these types found out a new innovative way - Do every chapter from every available book in the market, ...

That was a season of goodbyes when I quit this blog. Everything I loved goodbye-d me in one way or the other - Be it her, my college or the high-on-the-wind-and-music-speedball blueline rides back home. So I thought who would care about another. But now I couldnt stay without writing, statuses and messages remaining the only means to show off my prowess. Now that Im back after a rather long hiatus, I wish to stretch my time here as much as I can and say allsaidandunsaid that's remaining. I will update you all about my first year in later posts. But can describe in one word each semester. First - Sad, Second - High and the way this semester is proceeding, the word this semester is going to be Learn. Since I am not in the clutches of Sadness any more, my writing isn't going to be half as good it was the last time, but atleast it will be ME who's writing. As for my other blog - EMOTIONULL PORNOGRAPHY, its seeing a shutdown because it was a product of indifference, which never ...

allsaidandunsaid

He entered the room, switched off the lights and slammed the door shut hard. He then walked off to the farthest corner of the room, where the wall was completely empty, stumbling along the way because of the darkness and sat down on the ground besides it. He sat down quite for a minute. Then he got up, stared at the wall and punched the wall with his fist enveloping all the confusions and frustration within him. He had become very angry with all that his friends had to say. He shouted out. Letting go. Is this what life is about? You fail to jump over some hurdle for which you worked just too hard. Let go. You got betrayed by a friend who was too close to you for many years. Let go. Your dream which was everything to you shattered into a million pieces. LET GO!! You didn't end up being with your love who meant the world to you. FUCKING LET GO!! Do we live just to let go? Then after the echoes died down, another part of him spoke out. WE DON'T LIVE TO LET GO, WE LET GO TO LIVE. F...

I once wrote a letter to my mausi in the winter of 1999. I still have it but its in a very poor condition. Its all pale yellow and slightly smeared in blue ink on both sides but I can read the words properly. Its torn into 8 pieces owing to reapeated closing and opening. Its the first piece of writing that I have and its very dear to me. It rested with her for many years and she gave it to me 2 years back since when it has been with me in my wallet. It will survive atmost 1-2 years more and then the words shall dissolve in time to be lost forever. Thats one of the reasons that I decided to put it up here, I will atleast have it somewhere. Some friends have suggested me to get it laminated, which I won't for sure. Holding it in a plastic will be nothing like these torn 8 pieces of paper which I have to very carefully handle fearing its the last time I am reading it so I read it very rarely and opened it after a long time just so that I could write the words. It takes me back to tho...